Divorce and Life Beyond It

Divorce is a hard subject to try and discuss. There are many variables that play into why a divorce happens. I am in no position to say what is right or wrong when it comes to divorces. I do understand we need to do all we can and see what we can do to try and fix problems before we go straight to divorce. This changes the family dynamic in many way. The children are sometimes are affected more than anyone else in the process. There is no good way to balance time with each parent without complication to the family but making the children share the time that should be split. In cases of abuse, or infidelity, I fins divorce to be acceptable, but divorce it is not a get out of jail free card. Many things are involved in this. 

We cannot judge those how have been divorce before because we do not know the whole story. We can use divorce to get away from someone who we stopped trying to be with. Either way, it is a sensitive subject and we need to be careful. 

Before divorce is brought up in a struggling relationship, seeking help may solve problems. Couples therapy gives a time for someone else to step in and help resolve things the couple cannot to themselves. The children sometimes do not understand that the moment in time what is going on. The children can feel the blame can be on them. They may need to seek help to gain understanding and clarification. The divorce in difficult situations my bring new growth to the family that was not possible before. It takes a lot of courage to step up from a difficult time like that to start over. If the person is not careful, the step parent my cause worst problems on the family more than what was going on before.

 I have seen many families to step up and come together with other families and become one. It takes time to recover from it. Understand who you are, and get your own life together the best that you can before moving on. Sometimes we do not see the problem is ourselves. 

We must do all we can to prevent this from happening in our own life and we can do this by communicating and loving our family.    

Parenting

Parenting, a role for both the father and mother to raise their children to the best that they can be. Each possessing the unique qualities to rear each child to become who they are. Sometime the role of parent has to be on others due to circumstances. Either way, this is a very important role. A lot of how I am is because of my parents. To start, genetics. We are the DNA copies of our parents. Our hair, eyes, skin, and even our moods can be directly related back to our parents. More research has shown than some of our metal health comes from our parents. What is more amazing our tendency and feelings toward thing in our lives can come from our parents. Mood swing, depression, our way of thinking comes from more that the outside influence that our parents bring, it can come from that same idea of DNA. Along with that is the outside influence that the parents show. I enjoy guns, hunting, and movies because those are things my dad enjoys and communicating, not offending, and being more careful from my mother. They teach almost all of our first things in our life. Like words, colors, relationships, interactions, principles, politics, and the purpose of different thing in our life. As much as there are good things that are learned, bad habits can also be learned. Being rude, treating spouses wrong, anger and many other thing can be picked up our children. We provide for there first 18-21 years with everything they need, and may not, to function in society. Parents mold the future. A important concept to understand is that they understand everything we do. For good or bad, they take it in. 

If a child does not turn out they way we want or get into trouble, we need to also understand they are their own person. They make learn and inherit many things from us but they do become their own unique person, free to do what they will. We need to understand this while the child is growing up as well. Not just they are not going to be exactly like us, but different from the other children as well. We need to treat child as their own, but still being fair for each child. 

This is an amazing experience and a very hard one. Each new step we take into different moments in our life brings new challenges and trials. This being a long and hard one for each new child to come into our lives. They carry on our names and how we are in a way. Many people do not want children for they think they are more trouble than what is worth. They are wrong. Period. Children as hard as they could be are of great worth and blessing to the parents. I have done my best to make them proud of what I have done in my life. They are the example to me. We need to prepare before we have children to understand how and what we want for them. We need to conciser were we need to live to raise them properly and give them the best to grow. This really is what the human race was made to do. 

 The world is telling no when it comes to children. Well, that is what we will say went the world stops because no one is in it.      

Communication

The family and communication.

 A key part in a successful family is having good communication. Good, honest, respectful communication in a family can create trust, love, and understanding. We can manage small and large problems but learning to communicate. The base of this comes from three basic things.

 First is respect. We need to respect all the other person may say. Give them the full attention that they deserve, not interrupting, and hearing the whole side of the story. We also need say calm during this no matter the conversation. Second, this build trust between the too parties involved. To trust some mean that you are willing to tell them the truth and allow them to act in respect of you. If you trust them, then you can share anything with them and they maybe able to help find a answer. Third, to build trust is to give honest answers as well to their questions. We can understand the situation when the honest answer is given. All of these three thing combine in a conversation can create a good discretion and answers to unresolved problems.

This can given the family a great direction to grow. We as children can be rather afraid to approach the parents when they have done something wrong. We need to build the communication from the start. Good or bad, we need to have the communication built and open so other may feel free to talk about whatever they want to. The words of affirmation can go far. We really can understand one another and solve problems just from communicating the problem.    

Hard times in the Family

To say that families have trials is an understatement. Every family at one time, or many will face great challenges. These are the times of great hardship but also great growth. We need to keep a greater perceptive. This is not the perfect solution to every problem in every family, it is things I have experienced and discussed with other to help me get through those times. I hope that the reader can take even a small part and learn from it, maybe even apply it.

To start, a big part of the way that my person family has been able to find peace in trials is my Faith. Religion is a big part of how I find strength with my family. This, no matter the faith, draws the family on a common belief that they can refer to, learn from, and apply therein. This is an outside resource that can bring great support.  Others who do not have a particular faith, may draw on the connection that the family has for each other, along with anyone who is struggling. The hard times may draw on outside resources. Extended family and friend play a great support to those who may be struggling. Material or just emotional help and both way that they can help.

The lost of a family member can be very hard or the intense medical emergency may come up. These are very hard trials that a family may have to face. They are never racking, hard, emotional, and rather taxing on the family. Take it one moment at a time. Get to the hospital, take the time to morn, and look towards those supports for help. Keep close, know that everything will work  out. I have seen hard times and the people I relied on the most was family. Develop the trust with those members so when they or you fall into trials, you can both support each other. If there is consent  problems accruing seek professional help. It will be ok.

I know we are strong and can do all. We can build up from hard thing and keep a hold, and strong.      

Love: Man and His Women.

This weeks post is about marital intimacy,(sex), and family relationships. I believe this is a bond that needs to be kept between a man and woman bound together in the bond of marriage. This is my thought, suggestions and beliefs that can strengthen and inform about this subject. I appreciate comments but I do not want to bash or degrade each other, so I am asking for all comments be done with respect and understanding. I wish to do the same. 

To begin, I want to start off by saying that is a special bond that a couple can share together. In the faith I am a part of, staying abstinent is a key for staying righteous with the God until marriage were the expression of love in encourage. (This was a personal choice, also). This is form of expression is a natural process that is created for man to create children and to cleave unto, and love their spouse. There is something great to say that you saved yourself for your partner. I do not and will not condemn those who have done this out side marriage nor say there is nothing more for those who have. A big part of this also involves keeping faithful to one's spouse. I will talk about this in a little bit. Keep things in a greater perspective. Understand the choices a person may make will effect the whole future. Intimacy is a wonderful experience and we want to share with the ones we truly love. It brings the couple closer together more than anything else. This helps us understand the greatness a family can be and what it develops from.

A large aspect of marital intimacy is staying faithful one another. This extends to more than have a sexual relationship with another person, it is being completely faithful to your spouse. Some may question what this may be if it is not just a sexual relationship, it is any act or relationship that is inappropriate. Having a rather close friend of the opposite gender is one to conciser. The spouse is the most important person and nothing should appear to be taking the feeling away from them or cause those feelings to come up. By all means we can have friends of the opposite gender but it should be to close. Another is flirting with other people. It is causing the match for those type of feelings that are not good, it is just a match but sooner or later the match will make a large fire. We need to respect the other persons in the relationship by not showing those feelings for anyone else even when it a flirt. Being nice and courteous is of course appropriate but there is a limit. No thinking of other people or viewing them inappropriate in anyway is acceptable. That in a way is detouring your thoughts from those who deserves all of them. Talk about what the other person is comfortable with when it comes with others like co-workers or fiends. Let them know of this that you may struggle with and work on doing all that you can to be faithful in thought, action, and words. Small things grow. This can be taken for the better or worst. If we allow small inappropriate feeling come in, they can grow but so can good feeling of love for your spouse. 

Why are all these things important in the family relationship?  It creates a place a trust and love. I was very blessed to have parents who love and cherish each other and did all they can for us. I know it is because of their faithfulness to each other they have come to were they are now. In an ideal world, I just want to be with my wife all day. I can not, and so I will do all I can to make her the focus of what I do. This is something my parents did not have to tell me but show me. The have a great respect for each other that I picked up. The trust is built from the top down. If the parents trust each other fully then the children will trust their parents. The children learn the way the parents treat each other. If the dad is going out and cheating on his wife, showing no respect, then the children will notice it and do similar behaviors. All things are conceited in the family unit.  

As well understand each other and try our best to love, respect, and stay faithful, the family can grow. We all want happiness, and a huge part starts in the family.  
    

            

5 Things Once You Are married.

Like my last post, this is a short list of things in the beginning of my personal marriage. I noticed the different thing we had to do to transition from our two separate houses into one.

1. Its Awesome. No more multiple roommates, own place, own rules, own family, and being with the one that couple loves most, each other! Those are just a couple reasons the couple can be excited to finally be in their own place. A person gets to hang out with their loved one all day and night. They can buy what they want for their home and create a style special  to their own. These experience is worth everything up to that point.

2. Partnership: The couple is in it together. In some cases, one side of the couple may not care a much as to do inside the house as the other but on the other hand, both may be very passionate in doing one thing or another. Painting a room, the appliances they have, their entertainment medias (aka video games), or other thing in the home. Take the time to understand what and why each person desires to have and work out compromises. Note; this should be a relationship together. Work it work and nothing in the house is worth blowing off the other person's head over. Take turning doing different thing together. If the wife wants to snuggle to a romantic movie, the husband has a tomorrow to do something he would like. Understand each other's needs and do each other's best to do that for them. Bathroom, take the time to get the right amount of time to each other. Men, they really do take some time. Let it be, because they look that good for you, appreciate it. Women, men are kinda gross, if you have not noticed before, we are. In our own minds we are not, but to your pretty nature, we are. I apologize on behalf of all men for, well, us. Bathrooms are a scared place for us all, treat is well.  

3.Chores: Times for some true blue sacrifice. We all have chores we prefer and despise. So does the person with you. Talk about what chores you each are willing to do and prefer not to. The ones both despise, do it together, have fun with it. The house will naturally get messy, so have a game plan to clean it up when it gets to that point. Do fun little thing to surprise each other. Do a chore they do not like and surprise them.

4. Holidays or Family events. There is only one day of the year, each year. Also, each family is special. Yearly family events for each side may conflict with each. Each side of the family maybe from vary different and far away places. This places a burden on the couple. They need to sit down and discuss the plans for these types of events and each spouse needs to fully supportive. They can bring up concerns, but that does not give them a right to ignore each other. Some options may involve taking turns visiting each family. We have discussed this with our parents in my marriage. We visited my family for Thanksgiving and will be visiting hers for Christmas. We will do our best to flip to each one every year, multiple times if we can. This also brings up the question, were does the couple want to live. Again, both families are important. Work things out and know that you are blending sometimes very different families together. Learn and grow from each of your past experiences and take the traditions both have grown up with and create new ones. Keep all aspects of the family in your own.

5. Two people, one house. The couple are two different people. They sometimes get into a disagreement or misunderstanding. It is perfectly normal for two people to not have the same view. This does not mean duke it out over every little detail but communicate. Know you are each other's most important person. It is the duty of both the man and the women to understand the other spouse is the main priority. Take time. It takes time to build a relationship even when you are married.


     
I want to remind everyone who reads this of the last thing I posted at the end of blog post. Never go to bed mad at each other, and never let the day's dawn break still mad.










   

6 Things to Help Before Marriage

I am a recently married man. I got married on August to my beautiful wife, Kayla. I wanted to make a list of 6 things it might be good for someone who is 1, enganged, 2, dating, 3, not dating, 4 married and looking for a good read. This list is anyone to read, but aimed for the first 2 I said above. This is not a fool proof amazing perfected list of must do's before you are married bt this is a list of things I did to help me.

1. Understand your standard: Know what you want and what you are willing to do (or not do) in the relationship .Know what kind of guidelines you want to set for each other. For those who are waiting for marriage for intimacy ( I highly recommenced everyone no matter what Religious preference they are just to wait.), to not be out past midnight. Also, never being alone. I do not care how much control the couple has, the love you feel is real and will naturally lead to expressing yourself more when you need to save for the right time. (after the I do's) Know what life goals you each have in mind and be respectful of the other's dreams. Look for ways to do them together.

2. DTR. This is a BYU-I term and many people may have heard it. Define The Relationship. They mostly apply to those who are dating and it has been a little while. (1 month, 3 days, 2 years. Whatever you think is a while) Sit down, and talk about where the relationship is going and were you want it to end up. This can be a awkward talk, but it is very nice to know what the both of you are looking for in the relationship. Before doing a semester-long, long distance relationship, my girlfriend (now wife) asked were this was going. We said marriage. Here we are, an awesome married couple. The couple who are talking does not need to to get to that conclusion necessarily, but knowing what each other wants can help both people understand what the relationship really is. Also, this does not have to be after a few day, little BYU joke.

3. Communicate!: Talk to each other, in person, not on the phone. When a person is busy throughout the day, yes text each other and see how each other is doing but take time in the day to talk to each other face to face. Tell each other how you feel about each other, about the day, problems going on, and really talk. Even when the couple are not in the same location, either talk on the phone or face-time/Skype. This will build trust and relive stress. Again, when we did long distance, we talked everyday and Skype with each other everyday. Some days, it was for many hours. (like our record 9 hours!) We are a social creatures, so socialize!

4. Get to know the family: Sometimes it maybe intimidating to meet someone's family for the first time. When you marry someone, you marry into the family. I have been welcomed into my wife's side of the family. Take the time understand who they are and what they like to do. Know their names, the couple will know the if in with the younger family members, if they like you, you are almost in! The parents. They love their kid, a lot and sometimes (if not the way longer) longer than you. Show them the respect they deserve. If you are yourself and respectful, they should love you too. Just like your relationship with their child, it took time so it may take time for them to warm up to you. We do not understand all the experiences the family has, it is a life time of experiences, do not expect to understand them in a 10 minute visit. They will not know you perfectly well either.

* To the men who maybe reading this and to the girlfriends who are, take note. Ask the father for her hand in marriage. If there is no dad, ask the mother or parental figure. This is a bonding moment. It may be nerve racking, or one of the easiest tasks for the boy ever, but it is worth it. (each relationship is different, remember that) It is better to not cause problems than aid to them.


5. Roles and children: Understanding the roles you want to have will help the couple grow towards those goals. What I mean by roles is who wants to stay at home to watch the children, provide for the family, or if you both want to work forever.This is a surprising conversation and can determine if this a relationship you want to keep pursing. This leads to children. How many children if any do you want into your lives (at least two to sustain the US's future economy and growth please ;) ). This helps the couple see their potential and what they want in their family.

6. Sexual relationship; *** I believe this is not a conversation that does not need to discussed until a couple is engaged to be married. Know or have a small idea for what you are comfortable in doing in the relationship. ONCE married the couple can discuss more of how and when they want to start having children and when it is appropriate to show their expression of love towards each other.

Know that the couple is starting a wonderful journey together. My last overall note for any couple is: Never go to bed mad at each other, nor let the day's dawn break still mad. I know it will be a wonderful journey.